young (and beautiful)
by legilimun
Summary: for great brilliance, there must be chaos. and bonnie bennett guaranteed that.


**young (and beautiful)**

**pairings: bamon (endgame), bonkai (sort of a fling)**

**rated: M **

**dsclaimer: I don't not own the cast of The Vampire Diaries. **

**#**

Bonnie Bennett had never felt so distraught in her entire life.

_Well_, besides the times where she had persistently put her life on the line for her friends. It was silly, she knew what that would cost. It cost her Grams, her mother (she lost her again due to her ignorance and vampirism) and her father - all because she wanted what's best for her 'so called' sisters and Jeremy and Matt. Besides all of that, they were blissful. Maybe, she didn't seem to know. And oh, she wish she knew. So she could go back to Jeremy, back to her best friends. She could go back to college, start something new.

Start a life without anything getting in the way. (But she knew with supernatural best friends, especially a doppelganger with a vampire boyfriend, who has a vampire brother, who is that doppelganger's ex _\- that_ something was going to get in the way of her freedom).

And so jumping to any conclusions was just stupid. She couldn't, she _was_ still stuck in some supernatural alternate and there was no Superman or orthodox fate to save her. And it sucked, of course it did - the whole world was in _her_ hands and there was no one she could share it with. Because the two people that accompanied her had found a way out of this prison and into the real world, leaving her behind. But _Damon_, that was her choice.

She thought he deserved it, deserved to see his brother and Elena because she saw the need of clemency in him. He felt repentance in this place for killing that pregnant woman, for ruining his brother's life and nephew's future. But now thinking about it, she knew she deserved more than him. She was always gave and never gotten anything back. That chance was a way of getting something back. And so she questioned her selflessness in that situation.

Because she knew if she made it out, she would always find a way to bring Damon back. It was certain. Believe it or not, they had created a nice, platonic bond, despite everything he had done. She had a choice and she made it. She was vehemently deciding on whether it was one-sided. This was it. This was her over thinking her decisions and her life and it made her feel like a rag doll. Her tendency to manipulate and overpower was getting the best of her because she was played and now, she was alone.

Kai had stabbed her in her abdomen and abandoned her with her blood, the ascendant and his sister's magic he had heavily consumed - just two days ago. He was probably in the real world right now, merging with his sister and savouring the last remnants of his coven. But the slight hope she buried inside that pit of interminable fire made sure that Damon, or at least someone would try find her again, after that complete failure. (Although, she didn't understand why she put her heart and trust into that mission).

Everything they do to try save her ends up failing - but it's her fault for dying right?

She had finished crying at the Gilbert house, making sure her tear ducts were gone and dusted, and that a lesson had been learned. Why must she put her life in the hands of people who don't give a damn about her? A little part of her believed that they did, that after four months, _Damon_ cared. But she was never the first priority, there was always someone or something before her. It was belittling to say the least, she sacrificed everything for her friends and the only person who has tried to bring her back is. . .Damon. (Well, twice now.)

And even when it was at the time when he didn't give a crap about her, he still tried - that made her respect him a little more. But futility got the best of this mission, they could've met her halfway and maybe, she could've gone home. But no, maybe they were cosseting in some crap between their unfinished relationship. Of course, who was she to get in the way of Damon and Elena? The 'it' couple? She was sure Damon still needed to say some things to Elena and considering they _were _in the 1994, he was doing a whole load of reminiscing.

_Did he make her pancakes, with a smiley face and fangs? _

Wasn't that supposed to be their thing? A platonic kind of thing?

"I get real tired of these Damon," she peered at the unadorned pancakes she had made, gripping onto her fork and bashing it against it. She almost imagined Damon being there, leaning over her shoulder and whispering the most irritating thing ever. And although, she hated it when he was actually there. . .she sure missed it _now_. And then she know, Bonnie was at the brink of insanity - maybe Kai was right, but getting through 19 years was bewildering and for a mere second, she couldn't blame Kai for his demeanour. (But not for his sociopathic persona, that she could not defend. The grudge he holds on people is quite distressing for her to comprehend.)

And then came Christmas. She didn't know that she was up to date, that her friends were celebrating Christmas in the real world - without her. They probably forgot that she was still rotting in this prison, wrapping themselves in bliss. The Christmas tree had crumpled into obscure branches once the fire had engulfed the rosemary, the light glistening against the viridian of her eyes. "I miss you guys." And she almost felt as if they were missing her too.

**#**

A few taciturn days went and Bonnie was losing it.

It wasn't _losing_ it, it was almost as if she was realising all the mistakes she made before the Other Side collapsed. She was realising that she was losing herself through this course of isolation and it wasn't going very well, with whispers circulating her mind. She was sitting in the living room in the Salvatore Boarding, watching the fire place erupt with precision, a lone tear slipping down the slope of her cheek. Biting the inside of her cheek, a hand slowly gripped the hem of her skirt, pulling out a string.

She's sick of this - she's sick of waiting for someone who will never arrive. Her skin was dry, her lips were chapped and she was skinnier. She hadn't eaten for _two _days and she contemplated on whether ending her life and being wrapped up into oblivion would be the answer - she was sure that it was better than _this_. And her eyes searched the room until it landed onto the video camera.

_Was this the answer? _

"Sure it is," she grabbed the video camera off the shelf and looked through it, but there was nothing but a video of Damon. But that was the last thing she wanted to see. Pressing play hesitantly, she looked at herself through the camera. "Uh, Damon...Elena, I'm sorry. If you do try to come back for me again, I might not be there. Wow, uh this sucks. I. . .I don't want to be here. I don't want this to turn out to be my personal hell. And all that _hope I had_, I've had that for too long. I can't just hope for all of this to turn okay and I'm pretty sure that you guys won't come back for me, not until you get the time to. And I get that I'm not your first priority and that's fine! It's not your fault, I'm not that important to be saved I guess. But you need to that I'm sick of that. And it's made me realise that I can't bend my back to save someone just because I am capable of doing that, I'm not your personal weapon anymore. And if you do try to bring me back, I want you to bring me back because you miss me and that you care for me, not because you _need_ something because I'm entirely done with that crap."

She bit her lip. (This wasn't going well.)

"But I know that you won't see this and you won't try to save me, so um all I want to say is that Bonnie Bennett is giving up, big surprise. And I love you." She closed the video camera and cried.

She cried until sundown.

**#**

It wasn't like she was going to pick her primary weapon, but all the objects on the table made her contemplate on how she was going to die. When Kai shot her with an arrow, she was sure that he healed her by taking some of her magic, but he stabbed her, she woke up. She was sure that she was dead. But it wasn't her hell. She wasn't supposed to be here. Her Grams told her that she would find _peace_. Gosh, she hoped once this was over, she would. She looked at the gun she grabbed from a hardware store and picked it up, gradually placing it by her head.

She shot herself. But she woke up.

**#**

"Goddamn it!" She smashed the vase from the dinner table, glass scattering across the floor. Her head annoyingly made a jarring sound, which repeatedly hammered against the surface of her skull. It left some side effects. Hell, she couldn't _die_. Which sucked because she now either had live with this isolation or try find a way out of here. And then all these thoughts started coming back. Her life was on the line, because spending her time here meant that she was practically dying.

There was obviously a solution.

"The knife. . ." (May 1994, which meant everything started again, each day.) Maybe, just maybe Jo's magic was still in there and maybe she could go back to wherever Kai left from and get the ascendant. (She drove in Damon's car, which was surprisingly comforting.)

She went to Portland, found the knife stored in the tree stump and went back to Mystic Falls, found the ascendant and fixed it. She couldn't absorb magic like Kai, but she was still a witch without her powers and she was going to find a spell that could help her consume it. This took her two more days. Two days without any saving from her friends. Presently in the Salvatore Boarding House, she found her grimoire and skimmed through it. "Come on. . ." she gritted her teeth as she rummaged through the pages, there was nothing.

(But she seemed to forget some pages.) So for the second time she looked and she found it. The next eclipse was in an hour and she was going home.

It took a good ten minutes to process that. Why didn't she gain the conscious to know that this was possible? She seemed to lose all sense of hope of course, which caused her stupidity to get the best of her. But she knew what she going to do once she was back, and it didn't include Mystic Falls. Although she was sure that the travellers had made Mystic Falls a magic-free zone, so anyone that had a past in Mystic Falls would make sense. She found a way to come back and she was going to be alive - she wasn't going to waste her life for _anyone_.

**#**

She stood in the cave where most faults happened - it almost made her shiver.

She wore her significant black shirt, Damon's leather jacket and tight black jeans, with her combat boots. Bonnie thought that coming back meant that she'd end up in Mystic Falls cemetery, where she had died and it made her think about the possible outcomes. Would her arrival end up as another death? (That would suck, the last thing she wanted was another failure.) She bit the inside of her cheeks as she dug the ascendant through her palm, hissing as blood gradually shot up. She looked up at the impending eclipse, fluttering her eyes as the sun had begun to lose its brightness.

"Come on. . ." she hoped that this was it. She was going to make it.

The eclipse had begun and she was going nowhere. "What?" Frantically, out of all the hope she could consume, she cut her palm again, dripping it onto the ascendant and repeatedly chanting the spell. Tears finally engulfed her eyes, running down the slopes of her cerise cheeks, falling onto the ascendant. "No. . .no, come on!" She tested her borrowed powers, it worked. So if it wasn't her powers, then _what the hell was keeping her here_? "Please. . ." She looked up at someone, _something_ and prayed that this would work.

And before she knew it, a bright light sucked her into a flash of oblivion, her eyes securely shut and the sensation of moving through time had her heart thumping against her ribcage. It was hasty but it took her a good moment to open her eyes and revel in the situation before her - _she was back_. Standing in the middle of the cemetery, where she last died made her feel queasy, the last recounts of her with Damon, her breakup over the phone with Jeremy. A small giggle left her mouth and her skin felt warm and suddenly, the air felt different. It felt _alive._

She bit the inside of her cheek, a grin plastered on her face as she sauntered through the cemetery. Of course there was something missing, she wanted her magic back. She wanted to revel in the fact that she was a witch, she was powerful and she worked by her own rules. But the last person she wanted to encounter was Damon - did she want to look at the disappointment on his face? She knew that he was going to beat himself up for failing to bring her back - he was probably drowning himself with alcohol - and that kind of made her feel special.

So she stood at the Mystic Falls border, gnawing at her lip as she contemplated on her decisions. It was quaint, desolated and evening was approaching, but she was sure that she was lighting up. She wasn't a witch now and she wasn't the anchor, so she was sure that nothing would stop her from getting inside Mystic Falls - sure, it was the last place she wanted to be in but she still had her house and she was sure to avoid her friends here. Her boots clacked and reverberated the area, triggering a memory of her and Damon walking through Mystic Falls - _four months_ ago.

It seemed like forever, but thinking about the now, all of that felt like an afternoon.

But she saw the Grill and it wasn't repaired, half of it was demolished because it wasn't stable and the area was left alone, almost seeming as if a part of her memories completely vanished. She walked rapidly to her residence, where most family problems (other than the Gilbert house) happened. All the lights were off and she was sure someone was going to sell it by now. She walked into her house, changed into the most eye-catching outfit ever, unpredictably put on some makeup and walked towards her mirror.

Sighing in contempt, she skimmed her hands down her waist, examining her attire.

She didn't understand why she was pushing herself to see _someone_. Because right now she couldn't, so she couldn't tell if this was all a dream or anything. Maybe she was asleep, maybe she was imagining this and Kai was going to kill her in her next wake. Because of course, this was his hell and his prison, he was welcome at any time.

(She didn't think she'd be here for long if she saw her friends, but dodging them seemed like it would be a tricky quest.)

She didn't understand what was drawing her towards the Salvatore Boarding-house but it was relieving to know that they weren't there - that was what she was assuming. She stood in front of the boarding house and noticed Damon's Camaro in the drive way - _that wasn't supposed to be there_. She creased her brows, turning her attention towards the boarding house and questioned her conclusions about their time here. Maybe they found a way to remove the magical border.

She turned a corner and trudged to the back of the house, where the living room was and there they were. A small gasp left her lips as she saw them chatting away and drinking, as if nothing bad has ever happened.

She saw Caroline, almost hugging Stefan but the tension between them was queasy. Damon was leaning back against the chair, casually drinking his liquor with Elena attempting to lean against his broad shoulder. _Weird_. And there was Matt and Jeremy standing up, manufactured grins and Enzo silently cursing his place in this group. But nevertheless, they were doing fine. They were cheering on, debating on childish topics and merely mentioning how much of a nuisance Kai is.

But they never mentioned _her_.

Her heart quenched with abandonment and rejection and she'd had never felt so excluded in her entire life. (Wow, they had the decency to mention Kai but not the one who's sacrificed everything for them?) So much for caring. Her eyes skimmed across the living room, reading the atmosphere around them - hell, all she wanted to do is ruin the party and walk in, but who is she to barge into their night of happiness? She felt eyes bore into her skull and she walked into the bushes, the darkness where no one could see here and left.

But she swore someone noticed her.

**#**

**this has a part of 6x13 (what i got out of the promo) + it's AU considering i will not be relying on tvd's scenes, only if someone is looking back on memories. considering tvd is slightly pissing me off - i decided to write what i would like to see**

**kudos**


End file.
